RECOVERY (click on quote to read)

 When I finally found the rooms of al-anon, I was broken. I had been fighting to save my son for three long years. I had used up every tool in my arsenal. At that time, I did not feel like a warrior. I felt defeated. I was exhausted and completely hopeless. I knew what Substance Use Disorder could do to a person. I had seen it destroy my father and my leave an indelible imprint on my entire family.  I did not want that for my son. Three years of trying to force solutions had worn me out. I literally crawled into the rooms of al-anon a broken woman. They said, "keep coming back". So I did, week after week until I couldn't take the pain any longer. You see, I didn't feel better.  As I sat in those rooms and listened to the stories of other parents, my heart broke for each one of them. Their stories filled me with fear. They were living my worst nightmare. 

I'll never forget the woman whose daughter hocked her wedding ring, or the woman who visited her son in prison every week. Then there was the woman who had to drive over the bridge she knew her son was sleeping under on her way to work every day. 

There was one woman who reached out to me. Like me, she also has two children, a son, and a daughter, both were struggling with substance use disorder. When I heard her story, I saw similarities.  She and her husband had done so many things that we had done to try to assure our children would have good lives. They made their children a priority. They both volunteered in their classrooms, drove on field trips, enrolled their children in extracurricular activities. They went on family vacations. They took their children to church and raised them with good morals and values. 

I kept going to meetings for a few months but I  would arrive a few minutes late so that I didn't have to talk to anyone and leave as soon as the meeting was over. I would cry throughout the entire meeting. When I began my journey to recovery, I had thought, that things couldn't get any worse. As I sat in those meetings surrounded by other parents who loved their children as much as I loved mine and listened to their heartbreaking stories, I began to see that they probably would get worse before they got better.

I heard, "they have to hit their bottom," I wondered what my son's bottom would be. Would he end up in prison?

I heard, "Let Go, and Let God." I wondered where has God been for the last three years.  

I heard words like, detach, boundaries, enabling, acceptance, the 3 C's, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it,"

The fear of letting go, of detaching from my son,  and the realization that I couldn't fix my son sent me running. I stopped going to meetings and went back to battle. I wasn't ready to surrender. 

In AA they say when an alcoholic goes back to drinking after being in recovery for a while they have a head full of AA and a belly full of booze.

It was the same for me. I had gone back to the old ways of coping with my son's substance use, after attending al-anon for a few months I knew it was a losing battle. I knew in my heart that my son had a disease and I had no control over it. It didn't take long for me to admit that my life was unmanageable. The only place I would find hope was in the rooms of al-anon. I needed to be with those people who had found a way to live happy lives. I returned to the meetings almost 20 years ago and I haven't left.

When I reflect now on the women I met those first few months of recovery I see now that 

                    THEY WERE WARRIORS

The woman whose son was sleeping under the bridge retired and she and her husband bought an RV and began traveling. She taught me that we have to find our own happiness. 

The woman whose 35-year-old son had been in prison told her son that he wouldn't be able to live with her when he was released. She loved him and had missed him but she allowed him the dignity to step into his own life knowing that it might not be easy for him. She taught me that I needed to allow my son the dignity to live his own life and find his own solutions. 

The woman whose daughter stole her wedding rings and hocked them was such a source of inspiration to me. Her daughter struggled for many years but this woman continued to come to meetings and was such a guiding light to many. She showed me that it was possible to find happiness even in the pain of watching a loved one struggle with addiction. She taught me the importance of service and that we don't have to do this alone. Her daughter is sober today and she and her mother have a wonderful relationship. 

The woman who reached out to me and helped me see that I wasn't alone,  later became my sponsor. She has been a rock for nearly 20 years as she has watched her children struggle with substance use disorder. She taught me to never, ever give up. She taught me to never stop loving my son and believing in the possibility of recovery.

All of these women warriors taught me that I can do hard things. Those early days of recovery, when I was filled with fear sent me running out of the rooms, but when I came back I was given the gift of recovery.  Hope was restored and I recovered MYSELF. I learned that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I deserve to be happy. Today I am enjoying discovering who I am and finding ways to express myself. I no longer look to others to MAKE me happy.