You have a story to tell

"You have a story to tell." Those words kept coming to my mind and I just couldn't shake it. I had been getting the impression I was supposed to write a book for several months.  I found myself questioning, Who am I to write a book?  I'm not a writer. I had never published anything in my life. It didn't make any sense that I should write a book but I couldn't get the thought out of my mind.  I finally gave in and sat down at my computer and began writing what was to become a memoir.  That was eight years ago and I just completed Chapter 30 of Walking Through Addiction, A Mother's Journey. 

 In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing. I took an on-line memoir writing class and joined writing groups. It turns out, in the process of telling your story, you become a writer.  It wasn't easy. It has been a constant battle to force myself to sit down at the computer and write. An amazing thing happened as I continued to let the words fill the pages. I discovered that I Do have a story to tell, it just wasn't the story I thought it was. Brene Brown's quote sums up what I discovered about my journey. 

"It will be someone else's survival guide."

My story is a message of hope. It is my shining the light so other mothers can navigate their way though addiction. The fourteen years that my son struggled with substance use, were the darkest times of my life. I went from feeling fairly competent as a parent to feeling like a complete failure. I had no idea what I was doing. It didn't matter that I had 7 years of college, a four year degree in Child Development and a Nursing Degree, as well as years of experience working with children, nothing could have prepared me for what I went though when my son began using drugs. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was filled with anger, rage and hopelessness. I hated feeling so powerless. I pushed everyone I loved away, convincing myself that they couldn't possibly understand what I was going though. My world was very small and lonely for a very long time. 

In the process of writing my memoir it became clear to me that the reason I had been prompted 

         to write a book, was to share the lessons I learned along the way.  

I know today, that the choices I made during that dark time, nearly destroyed me. Thankfully, I had a spiritual awakening several years ago. It was a moment of clarity when I realized that I had to let my son go. He wasn't a boy any longer. Although I loved him with all my heart, my love couldn't save him. It was time for me to allow him make his own choices and where that took him was none of my business. What was my business, was how I chose to live MY life. That was the moment I stepped out of the darkness.

Recently I read a quote, "Memoir is about how we kept our pilot light lit." For many years, I allowed my pilot light to go out. I lived in the darkness. I constantly focused on the things I had no control over. I didn't understand that I was not powerless over my own life and I could choose happiness. The day I had the spiritual awakening that allowed me to see that I had to let my son go, was the day I relit my pilot light. Over the years the light has gotten brighter as I have learned to focus on being the very best version of myself.  

The journey through addiction taught me a lot about myself. One of the things was that my response to stressful situations is to become controlling. I had to learn to stop trying to control people, places and things and put the focus on myself. That has not been easy for me. It has been hard to let my children stuggle as they find their way, but I have learned to trust that they have what they need to solve their own problems. A few months ago, I had a long talk with my son, who has been sober for several years now. We were discussing our relationship and how difficult it was for me to parent adult children. He shared these wise words with me,

 

"Mom the best thing you could do for your family, is to be happy."

 

He has no idea how much those words meant to me. It's been a long time since I had the spiritual awakening that prompted me to let my son choose his own destiny was a moment of clarity for me. I knew with every fiber of my being that in order for my son to grow, I had to let him go. The day my son told me that he best thing I could do for my family was to be happy was another moment of clarity. My beautiful adult son, who I loved with all my heart was telling me, in order for me to grow into the very best version of myself, I needed to allow my light to shine.That my friends, is why I wrote the book. To shine the light. To tell other mothers not to let their pilot lights dim.